Paradoxical Juxtapositioning

You know how I feel about the fundamentalist evangelicals, right? I think that being moral is fine, but being moralistic is not. I think that having good judgment is great, but being judgmental is not. I think that the sheer smarmy quotient of "We're not perfect, we're just forgiven" is beyond thwap-worthy. Most of all, though, I honestly and truly believe that these folks are in for an extremely nasty shock when they finally get to meet Saint Peter and are told that they had it all wrong.

So then factor all of that (literally) holier-than-thou mess into the Presidential campaign, and see how certain kids are truly pandering to these folks. But, one might wonder to oneself as one slogs away at the campaign offices of one of these fine Republicans, how do we tell who amongst the voters is also amongst our base? Which of these masses might be one of our core consitutents, so to speak? Well, I'm glad you asked that ... your friendly intrepid blonde has just the guide to help. (Any of you cute kids who want to print this out and keep it in your wallet next to that stuff you have to render unto Caesar for the sake of handiness, feel free.)

With a tip of the hat to Daniel DiRito at The All Spin Zone!

The Top Ten Ways to Identify
An Evangelical Republican

10. They're opposed to sectarian conflict in Iraq but in favor of sectarian politics in the United States.

9. They're opposed to homosexuality and same-sex relationships but they'll vote for a presidential candidate who does drag and lived with two gay men if he can beat Hilary Clinton and her "typically" unfaithful heterosexual husband.

8. They wouldn't dare vote for a Clinton given Bill's disgraceful sexual antics in the White House but they're happy to support a candidate who used New York City funds to carry on an adulterous affair.

7. They criticize Democratic candidates for suggesting they would only nominate pro-choice judges to uphold the law of the land while they require their own candidates to pass religious litmus tests in conflict with the law of the land.

6. They're in favor of abstinence only sex education even though it leads to more unwed teen pregnancies and more parent sponsored abortions (call it the evangelical version of NIMBY - not in my back yard; NIMBU - not in my babygirl's uterus).

5. They're in favor of the separation of church and state if it involves opposing a congressional inquiry into the fundraising and spending habits of leading televangelists but opposed to the separation when it comes to selecting a presidential nominee.

4. They support candidates who endorse more funding for AIDS in Africa while embracing a candidate who favored quarantining AIDS patients in America as well as having Hollywood fund AIDS research instead of the government.

3. They tout Ronald Reagan as their political icon despite the fact that he was unable to acknowledge the toll of HIV on gays in America or even utter the word AIDS ... while they and their churches now run around talking about saving Africa from the ravages of HIV ... as long as it doesn't involve condoms.

2. They talk about their Christian values while they favor denying health care treatment to the children of illegal immigrants. Family values apparently stop at the water's edge (that would be the Rio Grande river).

1. They'll never make enough money to truly benefit from George Bush's tax cuts for the rich or condemn his doubling of the national debt but they're happy to call the Democratic candidates who support an increase in minimum wage and favor a national health care system unacceptable tax and spend liberals.

Bonus Qualifier: They abhor the fact that Jesus was tortured, mocked, and condemned to death without due process but they're damn sure in favor of waterboarding and disregarding the principle of habeas corpus while indefinitely imprisoning war-on-terror detainees.

So put that in your oxymoron pipe and smoke it (along with the tobaccos labeled "Compassionate Conservative" and "Moral Majority" and "Religious Right").